god. I feel like there’s no way out. I want that last door so badly. I want to be free so much. but I no longer believe that you’ll save me. Either i’m not worth it, or i can never try hard enough. I’ll never get there. Its too hard. I don’t have the effort anymore God. I can’t keep this shit together. of everything, why do i have to get fat? why does it have to be this gross gluttony? i want to be whole so bad for jeni and jon. but i can’t. i can’t. i’m just too damn broken. I thought i was past this, i thought I was over it. But i run back to it like a dog going back to its vomit. and i’ll never get over it. Is this my curse God? is this what you have called me to suffer? to live in this shallow abyss of looks. Most of my life i’ve been so skinny, and not always happy, but living healthily. why can’t i be that girl anymore? why?? you dont’ save me God.
i’m out of gratitude. I’m so fucking tired of optimism. its exhausting. i’m tired of returning back to that road, because i dont have the energy to crawl back to it because life kicks me off of it too many times. I don’t see my progress. i’m in this same damn living room where it all started. where it all began.
too often i sit there yearning for someone else’s success, and meandering in my own loneliness.
look what i found in my broken,bent,burnt blog of freshmen year of highschool goodstuff there joy.
i think thats why the concept of perfection was always confusing to me. perfection is unchanging, just right, nothing’s wrong, satisfying in everyway. but human beings aren’t like that. we thrive on new ideas, new beginnings, change, hope - room for freedom and improvement. God never intended to create a perfect world. he created a good world. a wonderful world. but a world that could blossom on its own. create on its own. how wonderful it would be to only come up with good creations huh?
but unfortunately.. this story of God’s creation is interupted by a disaster. not just one - eve ate the apple. but this cataract of events that lead us into crisis. not only can we create good. we can also create evil. the evolving and emerging hasn’t stopped, only now there is oppurtunity for humankind to invent evil, malignance, and bad things like that. so maybe thats how animals now evolve into things that eat each other. tigers start to pick on the deer.. the alligators are finding that ducks are tasty. humans begin murder, adultery, lie.. and once the evil begins, more evil springs up to protect themselves of evil.
so God gives us.. a calling. to continue to fight for this good creativeness. for God’s story and not our own selfish stories. but this fight for good aint so easy. we begin these cycles of returning to God and rejecting him. while God remains there.. we come and go. but yet, he’s our constant companion. there, somewhere..
then isa comes. the master.. at life really. like a professional pianist can take strings, keys, chords, notes and creates a sweet melody. christ takes the components of life, waking, eating sleeping, hanging out.. and composes the most beautiful song of life. so we can only learn from him right? and now, all our wrongdoings or whatever… can be taken away. so at the end. when we are fully ourselves. every second of our lives combined into one moment, God will look at us then. without all the crap. cuz.. well, i’m a vapor. barely reality. one second i’m like this, the next moment i’m thinking something else. all the moments in our life, God will store in rememberance of who we are. something of maybe a little more solid weight. and we’ll be judged.. without the crap. i’m still not sure what i’m saying.. but i’l ramble on.
instead of time pushing us forward.. God initiating life and forcing us to keep going.. instead - he is pulling us toward the future. he’s already there ahead of us.. calling and beckoning us into our potential. to continue our stories. and when we FINALLY abandon our own selfish plots and join God’s better story.. then we find who we are. next thing you know. we find ourselves in a story.
don’t know which meaning it is.. the recognition that we’r in a story, or the realization of who we are. maybe its both..
shes attractive and funny and i like her
so hard not to be jealous. and of everyone, especially her.
curious incident of dog in the night time
the immortal life of henrietta lacks
matterhorn
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
here’s what i want to know. how long? when does the suffering turn into hope. because my life feels devoid of that. and where’s the connection? between character and hope? character creates hope? how does that even work.
everytime i’m stressed. which is buttloads this week. i eat. how do i get rid of this habit? i don’t want to live like this. i want to be able to handle stress well. because i know i definitely can’t live a stress-free life.
somethings you can’t redo.
i crave to remember the girl i used to be. the squinted eyes and blue shorts. with carefree black ribbons and limitless imaginations. bubbling laughter. the ocean. the ocean. the ocean. what does it feel like? i can’t remember. i’ve slowly caved out my heart, rejecting the things that lay inside them. scared to let anyone see inside, and when they did, they wouldn’t see anything they wouldn’t like. they won’t see anything. but the shell so’d hard, the rocks immovable. and i don’t know what to do with the chasm inside me now. one that i’ve dug out myself. i wish i could go back. but i don’t know how to. i’ve already traded out my one piece swimsuit for the bikini, the mermaids for tanning, cards for tv, beach soccer for bali shopping. how the world fooled me. to think that i wanted those things. i don’t. i want the boogie boarding, the swimming out to rocks, the cards and forts and childhood. i want the fantasy books. i want the adventure. i want the joy. i want joy. where are you? i’m so scared i’ll never find her, be her. the real her. the bits of dirt of her i seemed to have dug out and discarded.
i miss sports. so bad. i feel like a part of my identity is gone and i’m so terrible at letting God fill it. i know i’ve told Him, so many times to do anything he wants to get my heart closer to his. but i don’t think i’m strong enough for this.i can feel the pounds slowly piling on and i hate not being skinny. all my life i have been, and its disgusting every time i stare in the mirror. God’s taken away that and sports, and i’m already flailing helplessly. i still have so much, what would i do if he took it all? school and grades, art, family, friends, a means of communication? i’d wouldn’t survive. i’m not even surviving now.
and i miss my friends so much. i miss people who know ME. and not the image i just project or the person people expect me to be. oh gosh, i miss isy and jer so much. matt legrande and marshall. i miss jessee and karis. dani, jeni, becca, alisha. liz, hivner, jo. i miss taylor. i miss them so much.
i’m pretty much always depressed, always eating, always throwing up, always hating myself. i’m falling apart, spiraling down into nothing-ness. but there’s no serious problem, just me. so i don’t see the point in talking about it. actually, there’s something inside of me thats deathly scared to go to people. because to me, the reason i’m worthy is because i’m smart, i’m a good friend and i’m a good leader. every minute of school i’m proving to people why i’m so damn worthy. but my feelings are not worth it. who i am underneath, thats withering up is not worth it. so no matter how often i’m affirmed, how often i’m complimented, how much i’m loved. none of it touches me. because whats affirmed, complimented, loved is the image i try so hard to live. the image i so easily project.
